Let It Go

A beautiful snowy day in the Rocky Mountains. A fire crackling and a warm, fluffy dog cuddled alongside me. I love these kind of days to reflect on life, read a good book, or just be still and listen to the silence. It is usually in times like this when the whispers from God are more easily heard. Today is one of those days.

I hold on to things. I save cards given to me, children’s drawings, items that belonged to my mother and before that her mother. In the matter of being nostalgic, I feel that is how my heart perceives and enjoys life. But in the matter of people I love, it can be a burden to bear. Specifically now I am referring to my father. He is in the last few pages of his final chapter of life. I have found myself holding on to hope he may get better, holding on to the guilt that he ever had to go to the nursing home in the first place. I had wanted to care for him in my home, but after my car accident and health issues, I couldn’t anymore. I would sit holding his hand, tears dripping, remembering his phone calls to come get him and bring him home. There were times he was so confused and scared. Holding on to all these type of things only weighed on my heart and emotions. If I really believe what I say I do, God has this whole thing in His hands. Nothing can change the past. We are in this moment, and I will be stronger if I just let go and let God. My visits to my dad the past few days have been easier. Even if he sleeps the whole time, I hold his hand and talk or sing. His dementia is severe enough that he does not remember the 7 years he lived with me, or somedays even who I am. There is a new strength that comes from letting go of it all, enjoying the moments we have now, and unloading the burden for God to take care of him. Actually, God has been in control all along, even before I realized the unhealthy holding on.

We all are on a path through life, and I am learning there is strength now in letting go of my “imaginary holding on” to those I love. God has them all on their path. My children and grandchildren will hear their calling, and if I “let go and let God” I will be much stronger to be free from unnecessary worry. With that also comes a joy of seeing what God has for them in their story. And again the reminder that this world is not our home. We are all just traveling through. Life is like a mountain railroad, filled with curves and tunnels and one day we will all be home at that heavenly depot.